Mary
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Below are the 30 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Mary" journal:[<< Previous 30 entries]
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10:17 am
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Dandilion boy.
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07:08 am
[Link] | Well.. the next day, little boo and I had just decided it might be nice to do something... were contemplating the car, and his father called and then brought the kids over. Was a lovely afternoon, with outrageous supermarket shenanigans! They are beautiful kids and its so great that Francis is now able to join in.
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10:50 pm
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so glad it worked out how it did
Actually couldnt be more perfect. Made a decision early on to have a good day.. (rain with fire inside is so beautiful in our house).Just got in trouble for making the worst tea! She is so pedantic with me. She figured out shed be home after all... so we picked her up from the train in Springo, and have just had fun since. (we were already having fun)
We inhereted a large booty of stupendous clothes from our friend Jabe, who died graciously last year... Steeni(being the golden child it seems) was invited to peruse the house of Jabe garments by the official custodian (our wonderful friend Fiona) and did so. me too actually. Got the best Italian leather pointy toed pumps Ive ever seen... thanks Darls... I can step into Ox year (she was) in great style! with your love and strength guiding me! Missy right now is sporting Jabeys FABULOUS chineese smoking jacket... and Liz Taylor hair thingy....She is embarking on Newtown (Jabes home turf) with half her warderobe.... Now we are eating, not to mention lounging at home in the mountaions organic *read... stupendous* dark chocolte, blueberries, Im having a glass of Champas, shes having tea.... and repartee. Shes reading Jeffery Eugeneidus, we are enjoying music, shes been showing me all her new school mates on facebook.... (whoo, selective performing arts high... DAM those boys are pretty) yeah... and me, I know my path is good. I know, that a partner that has surpassed all others is just waiting for me to do justice to the experience, and honor that is motherhood to our gorgeous little boy. I am excited. Im starting to feel hot again. I can feel real nice love on the horizon... getting closer........
happy V Day
Current Mood: strengthening
Current Music: bjm
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05:06 pm
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cappie birthdays
I do love the caps. Haven't met any I essentially cant like. Kate drives me crazy, but she does have balls. Went to Kerry's birthday last night. It was a really lovely party to take Francis too. Three guitars going, people singing. some drums. very moderate, minimal alcohol. I had a glass of red, but didnt smoke. Not a single smoker. Plenty of lovely food. Birthday cakes... her handsome young nephew, 10 on the same day. And... singing.
Yes, house of Capricorns that one. And they just adore our little Gemini. It is quite an honor.
Beautiful at Mt Vic this morn. Was thinking how much Robert must enjoy being there. And the drive. Im sure it just makes his current situation even more appealing. Good luck to him. One thing, the more I processes out the niggles that sting me, the less they occur. Its like weeding the garden. Soon there may be few of those sharp thorns left. Admittedly, sometimes I get in a patch and painfully have to extract them one by one... and let the wound heal. But then its done.
Steeni had a different birthday last night too. An 18th of a really cool boy. Smart intelligent, quirky lovely 18th Jan. b-day. Another one. Kerry reckons our baby is left handed too. the more lefties the better. Anyway... little boo has just woken up in time to help me do some gardening! literally.
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: blur/think tank
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02:17 pm
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OMG
When we had missed the 10.40, and the 11.50 I decided to put his lordship into his sisters bed for a sleep. I do that sometimes in the daytime.The room is cool, the bed is nice, its a change. I recal having noted at some point earlier, what a pigsty it had again become. anyway, we are supposed to be catching the bus to get our car.. (been without it a week now). Its ready. we just missed all of the hourly buses, I thought we'd make the 1.30... still asleep. me, meanwhile, operating at less than half capacity due to what I think is probably tonsillitis. (been quite unwell for two days now). Anyway, I thought since we were still home Id best get some washing out. Yesterday I did nothing. I thought I heard him. He'll be OK for a minute while I finish this thinks I. I get in, and he is gone... not there on the bed. *heart jumps into mouth* there he his.. on the floor, surrounded by unmentionable hazards, ( like picture hooks, earrings, doc-martins, millions of other pieces of shite.... and has all but devoured a glossy, ella-bache brochure. Eaten nearly one side of it. None in his mouth swallowed. gone.
His regular diet consists of carefully hand-sifted apples, pumpkin, and other fruit and veg selected age-appropriate, for his two small meals; to not make him constipated, anemic, etc etc etc. he is still on 80% breastmilk. I feel twice as faint, (and despite the v.good chicken soup, my throat is still very sore). Oh well, lets just hop[e he didnt swallow one of those small sharp metallic things. We still need to get to Penrith. I check the time and the timetable. the time is 2,05. The last bus till 4.40 was 2.00.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: not-panicking
Tags: babies eating paper
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10:55 pm
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choices
choice to spend time a certain way. Choice to value certain things. Choice to engage in certain ways.
Accept own (and others) choices. Makes it far easier to proceed with the next days round!
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03:22 pm
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better now.
Just sitting down, writing preeceeding post and then calmly, organising my stuff, washing my face, having half a beroca, getting dressed worked a treat. I then went down to the markets and found the family. Mr still not asleep was entertaining his public. We ate, fed him and before long he was out (is still in the pram). Phew. Pendulum keeps swinging. Bought a few nice things down there, still feel a bit vacant but much better. Will stay with gran tonight, and head off with the crowds tomorrow I guess. Or the next day. Anyway. need to not get flustered. Have moments of a completely clear, serene mind so there is room in there for inuition to operate.
Current Mood: okay
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03:29 pm
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who let the French make cars?
Silly me for having aquired my third citroen... and this one isnt even pretty!
I am over old cars that clap out. When it wouldnt start yesterday...nothing, but plenty of beeping lights, Ummm... be nice if it were the battery (easy fix)... but suspect something like starter motor. Hate that. Just as I was beginning to feel ok about this car. Its a little nerve wracking when you have granma, the baby, and the dog on board.
Anyway, this arvos trip to Avoca is off. Walk to Ettalong instead. Thats fine. Steeni went the tiny bit further around to Umina, Which I may do tomorrow. Only hesitation, is its too much for gran. Oh well.
I think Ill waste a little daydream on a late model, purple subi outback. Yeah... keep it realistc. Dark-tinting, mp3+cd's, really comfortable, manual, good air con that works. All pretty normal these days. Super delux baby seat. Our currrant one just dosent fit my car very well.
Yeah, and then I when to answer my mobile... newly entrusted to work again, and it died too.
Maybe a horse and cart, and a good strong yodell are the answer.
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05:05 pm
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invigorated
Wow! Seeming like a reality again that I will work on meaningful projects. As well as conversing with former Green-Corp colleague the other day, about changes to the system, (no-longer restricting to kids to get out of dole-hassels)and... more projects at Huntington (my former site, my latest edition of 'Ecological management and restoration" (scholarly journal I indulged myself with a subscription to whilst working); has inspired me. The last two editions werent really focussed in what I really want to do, being broard scale restoration projects... they were more specific species recopvery... still interesting, I guess I was preoccupied at the time (pregnant/with newborn was my occupation). This edition is so much more akin to the articles I based my theisis on... and I have just read it and feel so excited.
I am expecting this year to be difficult on lots of fronts... but being year of the Ox, that what it will actually be about. (especially for horses). But not to preempt trouble.. on the contrary; lessons, opportunities, focus. A bit of worthy achievement in this life I inhabit. I am also really excited about the small family that I guess I must call my inner circle. My tiny son is SOOOOOOO beautiful. It is actually quite a sensuous world we inhabit...I realised this yesterday when sitting in the bath with him on my knee, covering us both with milky oats form a stocking-sausage of oats... lying back in the bath, him kicking and spalshing and drinking the water. Shock horror, mum thought it hilarious after me telling her that I only want him to drink purified water to start (dosent need yukky chlorine/fluoride etc) she said.. what... purified with toe-jam?? (ha ha). Nah... just very weak porridge really!! But seriously,his immune system is my responsibility, and exposure to common, harmless pathogens is important for future resillience. I am still breast feeding him first thing in the morning, mid morning sleep time. Lunchtime. Afternoon nap time. Bed time, and then as many times through the night as he wants. very lovely. A tad exhausting (I still have two-three lunches), but worth it. Pushing his two meals a day through the seive, of organic fruit=baby porridge , and veges and brownrice at dinner is also a pleasure, totally enhanced by the way he cooperates so enthusiastically. And looking after the grandma is going to be a part of this year too. She has been very chirpy and positive; recovering from her last little set back well. And missy Steeni, going to school in Newtown. She will require me on deck in the mornings to get that 6.30 train. It will be worth it.
A friend has already offered me work to pick up and mind her two kids, one from preschool the other from Stiener two arvos a week. WE can bring gran with us if we have to; and that, whilst actually once again being in a position of being relied upon,(and earning cash) should be enjoyable for master Francis,(they are nice kids) as well as facilitating networks for us.
Year of the Ox SHOULD involve some commitment, work and steadiness. Gran will be our special guest I guess. Steeni will be fine, and I will go day by day staying steady, and getting the bonus treat of my beautiful boy to enjoy. And... Whilt I've taken a liking to wearing satin and having my legs waxed; I can see some uniforms will be back on before very long.
Can surely do both! Planning to have time for everything I want to do.
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10:42 pm
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Bronte
WE did it, we went to the beach. Absolutely gorgeous at Bronte today. Steeni and Chris, once again delightful.
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11:45 am
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New day
Sometimes going through the motions, feeling it, letting it out, helps enormously. I feel free again, strong calm, positive.
Visualizing a beautiful world for us. Steeni is home, Francis is asleep it is a gorgeous day, we will do things like wash windows. Bit by bit, we are getting things done. We are happy at home, (although she wants us to go beach with her tomorrow..compromise).
He is beautiful, so is she... and she tells me I am too! Moon is settling into crab after being a bit frantically full in gemini. Nice little phase for me for a few days (I love cancer moon). Anyway.. almost ready for lots of beautiful things to unfold
Current Location: home
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: emiliana toreni
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11:42 pm
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ok
its all gonna be ok.
Current Music: emiliana toreni
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11:47 pm
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life is sacred
Mumbai, Austin, Francis, dark/new-moon,
makes one think
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01:42 pm
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Baby Boo
Baby Boo is very cute today. Hes got a baby bonds striped hoodie, jeans, the socks his dad gave him..(not this photo) Im just waiting for Steenie to get ready.. we are going out for a coffee.
Thinking about those 'windows' once missed... gone forever. But there are new ones opening every day. He is communicating with vigor; as well as stretching and exercising his body. Giggling, gurgling, grinning. People all over are just totally charmed, and he is generous with his smiles. There are new amazing windows opening every day.
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08:42 am
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a new leaf.
Well.. I am finally out of money. I was dreading this moment, but now that its here I'm kind of relieved. I have been fairly casual with it (by my standards). Spent the last little bit of baby bonus money on a beautiful outfit for Francis yesterday. A lovely white cotton shirt and beautiful purple trousers. All as it should be. I went to Newtown festival with christina and chris. Our first train trip. I caught the train many times when steeni was a baby...(I had no car) . There were moments when I felt a little nervous. Just of my ability to do this mothering thing well enough given the lethargy that sometimes I give in to compared to the energy and faith I had last time, when 25. She is so beautiful though. Got me wearing the colorful dress... and it virtually matches the colorful baby pouch. She kept humoring me, and chris was very sweet too. We went to look at the school she is going to next year... Newtown Performing arts high school. Right in the city. Yes Ive been nervous about the difficulty of commuting. Basicaly just getting out of the house on time. But must have faith. We had lunch at Lou jacks, very cool eatery with family connections, and an interesting Sydney media personality was having lunch with his family at the same time. The festival was ok, largely a people watching type thing. I was fairly contemplative. After I spent my last 80 dollars on the fore mentioned beautiful clothes for my sweet prince, I sat with him asleep in his pouch on my lap. Many thoughts about much stuff. The kids came back for me, and I felt refreshed when we got up to walk again. They left me at Strathfield, as a ticket police was getting on our train, and chris didn't have a ticket... so we came home on our own. It was fine.
So a new time of getting real, getting strong has come. My 'confinement' time is really over now. He is 5 months today. Baby bonus all spent, basic allowance now. But I bought some nice things, and some good supplies. we have plenty to work with, the rent is paid, and most of the bills up to date. I actually feel quite motivated. clean out the cupboards. Use up the food. Build that veggie patch. clean out the sewing room (for Francis) help Steeni make that formal dress (that was 100$ of material). Make my garden as good as it can be. (pretty bloody good) finish the painting. That sort of thing. And Not all my baby sleep time at the computer!
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: jjj
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11:48 pm
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lovely day
very content. got the previously ornamental baby pouch working. Talking online to various. visitors... sunday happy day xx
Current Location: home
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: radiohead/the bends
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09:00 am
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chill
simple really.
Take it easy.
Sunday morning, francisco and mumma home with food, music, fire, animals. projects and possibilities...
hey I turned down a nice invitation to have this day. gonna love every minute of it.
Current Music: radiohead/the bends
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12:46 pm
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shaken those impediments
Finally... A day at home to myself with out commitments. Beautiful boy is having a very good morning sleep, and I am just sqandering a bit of time on the internet, rather than manically doing stuff.... I figure the energy happens when the time is right. I love it when I do sync in. I am surprised at how well behaved my dog is being... I have been locking her into the hall at night so she doesnt sleep on beds/couches. She is choosing that spot now. I forgot to shut the lounge door last night, and the morning there she is on her own bed, lounge and the other beds of the house obviously not disturbed. Stella, the half wiemariner year-of-the-horse dog, ans a leo too, (read:very loving, but dose what she wants.. ignores rules; bit like the boss), has turned a new leaf. It is very timely, because young Francis is almost mobile. he now requires floor time. so keeping dog in dog bed couldnt be better. He is starting ti watch her too. She is very patient with children. Has frightened some in the past with her boystrousness, and sheer size. But never means harm.
Its lovely and cool. no good for lawn mowing.. and actually that is a job that needs two people, so one can be with the baby. I have been looking up practical things. What did we do sans internet? It is the age of Aquarius.
Make a fire.
Christina grew up watching me make the fire, and was never silly about it. Im hoping young sir will be equally well tutored.
Might take him up to the cafe were she is working... have some social time and then resume peace@home with a much less distracted mindset than yesterday.
Current Location: hsh
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: air
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01:03 am
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Crazy times.
Been a hard couple of days. Got to remember to keep a grip on that railing. Especially in high seas.
Very Crazy Times.
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Mercy Arms
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01:48 pm
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back to reality.
Nice strong day. Had a marvelous moment with the little one this morning at dawn. New humans can be utterly scary in the level of perception if you are able to get in there. I had a routine look at the moon chart later. It was at the time it passed from my moon, (leo) to his moon (virgo). I was crying with love for him, and he was being tender with me. Then we went back to sleep, as you do. The day has been very full. not rushed, but alot happening. I am eager to get to all the corners of my world.
Exhibition at Glenbrook this evening of the people I often model for. Mr will be a bit of a celebrity I guess. THen mum and steeni and Mr. Francis and myself will go out for dinner at the Lappo.
Nice.
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: classical abc
Tags: children, moon signs.
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08:28 pm
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soldiering on.
Birthdays parties! today's was a four year old and yesterdays, a 60. Young master Francis is delightful (seriously, can take him anywhere). But a am weary from it. Im actually ok right now.But have moments of doing it all... the car thing, the coming home the fix the baby up, the get up yourself and just would like to be sharing it.
Baby's fathers best friend was there today. quite a surprise. Jane said that Asher is the only kid from preschool that Poppy wanted to ask. And there was Steve and Jake as well when I got there. I gave him a hold of Francis. "G'day Frank" he said predictably... I said "its Francis" ...
It was ok. He held Francis while I put sunscreen on his daughter. He got his name right after that.
It is a tricky name. Its so the opposite of trendy/cool/groovy. Its old fashioned and formal and gets shortened to Frank. I kinda wish I had been able to consider a name with a little more contemporary appeal. I would have if any had come along meaning the same thing. Anyway, he is an exceptionally lovly child.. There was another baby boy there who is nearly 1 and was tiny, and floppy and still not crawling or even sitting up very well... cute enough... but... I suppose Im biased a little... our little Franco just seems actually really cool, fun engaging. Yesterdays do he was the only baby. My neighbour who was 60 is the eldest of 5 sisters, so there were all these matriarchs having turns of the baby. And a few teenaged daughters ,and one husband... a few nice grandpas too. We are a bit short on them generally.
My daughter was great today, and so was her boyfriend Chris. They did the games, facepainting, etc. Chris was a superhero, complete with red tights and undies on the outside. It was a lovely day.
I seem ti get waves of thinking... why cant he love me ? or, just not hate me, or just put his other dalliances on hold for a bit, enough to do the baby. Isnt that silly. But to share this beautiful infant would make it all even more majic. It sucks. For both of us! It seems to being out the best in people too. Ian and Alyssia are so good to each other. Sat night. after driving home from Paramatta, ... yeah it was a big day. I got up after getting the baby of to sleep, and thought how nice would it be if my handsome mate had put some salad on a plate and a nice chop or something, a glass of wine and a light just about to go to the candle... and the accompanying word of encouragement... he asleep? nice work. or what ever. Yeah, we could both feel good I would imagine. instead I ate something from the fridge, had half a glass of wine out the back and just felt sad before falling asleep in the chair. Its not meant to be a solo project. And this child is so much fun. When did he get surly and unwilling to cook anything bar frozen meat pies for himself? I persisted in trying to make nice meals even though he told me my cooking wasnt as good as freyas, and even though he was generally set on his program of drinking and smoking and the meat would get cold/overcooked, the salad wilt. And I was the toxic one yeah? If your extrordinary sex-adict girlfriend tells you. (der...is she gonna say "you should go back to her and sort it out"???? ) dont think so. Anyway. Wonder how it may have gone if we had been mature enough to be a little considerate of each other?
On another bright note... gotta go look after my old mum tomorrow, she is having a colonoscopy.
She doesnt want to be on her own either
And Im bleeding again already. 4months since giving birth, and we are back in the swing. ! So hectic. .
Current Location: home
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: radiohead/the bends
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12:47 pm
[Link] | What is it when someone yells obscenities at you via chat, or text?
it seems rather cowardly for a start.I was having a nice day yesterday... see previous post until a relatively innocuous conversation began, and ended the same way as the last one.
I guess it means they are still hurt, and still angry.
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11:23 pm
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Love.
Thats it!!!
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12:56 am
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some photos.
My little honeymoon is pretty special. I suddenly realised that if I spend this beautiful time moping about he who is now filed in a different place in my hearts cabinet, and missing the passing loveliness of my angelic boy..... I would be a fool.
We are on our own right now. Daughter breezes in and out again. Steves gone home. Its really nice to be reclaiming home.
I have a new regime that involves walking to town each day. My legs are killing me! I reckon I'll be pretty toned pretty quick at this rate. Also been having a bit of fun on internet dating site.
I just finished writing a profile, and received an email from a chap doing a phd in creative writing! he actually looks/sounds very nice. No harm in emailing! Anyway....lovely spring weather. "Take it easy tiger".... need to follow my own advice.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: calm
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03:13 pm
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Getting back into my own life.
I took my darling boy to bushcare this morning. Thats where we meet, and weed the edges of the 'bush' (Blue mountains national park actually) of plants brought in and naturalised since colonization. It is something I have become less passionate about (like many of my other interests) since the roller coaster Life has been over the past twelve months. Before that, I dropped my daughter at her latest Saturday cafe job, a gorgeous little place at Lawson. I got a coffee, and saw a friend. Bob the artist. Quite a character. He said he thought my piano playing is really beautiful. Ummm. Likes my eyes too. Bob; your good for my ego old buddy!!! Just got me thinking about how important it is to cultivate our talents/hobbies. Mine are pretty simple. THe biggest one I want back is seeing the funny side. Humor left me. Heres to good things coming back.
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11:01 am
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hypothetical
I wonder what would happen if we met afresh now, brandnew?
would the attraction be strong?
I wonder.
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11:39 pm
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naming day
its done.
check my facebook for 1st batch photos. (mary marks)
As usual, its a fuss to get mine, but I will.
The day was perfect in every way except for a kind of hollowness which came upon me at times. mostly fine. Beautiful weather, the garden was gorgeous. lots of really good wishes, and effort.
*Blessings be*
Current Location: home
Current Music: sara mclaughlin/prayer of st francis
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12:50 am
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priorities
I tried.
I had an open mind.
I let go of 'control'
I offered the hand of friendship.
I again offered my world.
Its been three weeks. but clearly, its only been a soft place to land. The real issues remained largly unspoken, until the other night.
I cant be third/fourth choice anymore.
I need to be loved too.
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08:46 am
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my birthday.
yesterday was my birthday. the day before the first anniversary of my fathers death.
I had a lovely day. Drank a bottle of champas with Robert Thursday night, so by fri morn was a little fuzzy headed, not too much. took daughter to school.. we were actually on time.. and instead of one of my customary coffee detours, just came home with Francis, went back to bed till 11.30! This baby is a dream. we sleep together, and I think it makes him very chilled. (Took everything easy. just simple chores, no hasal fixed a twirly prettything for him to look at on the veranda... which he loved. put some washing on.. his little clothes, which I love looking after. gave myself a peg basket! it made me strangly happy... took him in arms with Stella our dog, down into the bush a little..sat on a rock, absorbing. There is a lot of magic in the blue mountains, it is very nice, serene, but animated.. he fell asleep in my arms. just a simple day. phone calls from people who love me, and our garden is quite beautiful. made fire in the evening,he fell asleep again. a little uncertainty as to who would actually be home to share the night, Robert came home... and felt a bit better eventually I think, and Christina, my beautiful... cooked a perfect dinner, and made it just great. Oh, and baby Francis had been asleep on the lounge since fire making time.. around 4.30, and just woke for a cuddle with his sister, change relocate and feed oh, tenish?
what a 'good' baby!
we had a vodka and cranberry, a glass of bubbly, a drop of really nice Australian red, lovely food surrounds and people I love and I felt very blessed.
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Architecture in Helsinki
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10:28 pm
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my babies
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